I know I talk about Debbi a lot, but growing up, we did everything together, so naturally, when we got older, even living miles apart, when we are together, stuff happens!

We all have people in our lives that we want to please. Maybe a husband, parents, kids, bosses, co-workers…etc… Not being a “people pleaser,” but we love and respect them enough to do what we can to make them comfortable and happy.

So when my dad got sick and was bedfast and couldn’t get up and do things, this is when we all just did everything we could to make him comfortable and happy!

Well, here is a story that is worth repeating! I threw Debbi under the bus and walked away laughing. She wasn’t hurt, only wounded a little! Please don’t feel too bad for her.

SO MY CHURCH (BRAT) STORY begins:

My dad was a very active man before he had cancer. He was beaten up from the coal mines. He had broken bones, rods everywhere in his body. He crushed stuff, limped, and had a titanium rack for a spine. He would have never retired if it had been up to him, but it wasn’t, and the doctor pulled him out of the mines and “made” him retire. My dad was not happy. He loved the mines. He loved his coal mining “posse’.” But, he didn’t let that stop him from doing what he loved, even in retirement. Preaching and “piddling.”

He loved to “piddle around the house.” He would do stuff until his back wouldn’t let him, and he would lay down until he could go at it again. When he became bedfast, it was devastating to him. So, being the good daughter that I am (the best actually lol), I talked to him to see what he liked to watch on TV, read, listen to…etc… and got a list.

On dad’s list of things he liked to watch was John Wayne! He loved him. He could watch him for hours, and most of the time, he did. He had nowhere to be, so he just enjoyed himself best he could in the bed. When Debbi would come to stay with him while we were out, she would have to watch what he was watching. Unlike me, Debbi will not say much about how she is feeling. I knew this secret! I knew I would be able to use it someday!

That day finally arrived.

During these times, my mom didn’t like to leave him, even though he would be left in great care. I usually took my mom out. Debbi or Jay would stay with dad. Mom would call the whole time we were out. I just ignored it and kept doing whatever we were doing. What she didn’t know is dad dared me to bring her back for hours because she was always at the house. She needed to break. She didn’t like being away from the house.

I was taking mom to Beckley. I put her in the car fussing about leaving dad. Of course, I ignored the fact she did not want to go. She needed the break, and it made dad feel better. As I was taking her out, Debbi was coming in.

A few days before this, Deb and I were talking, and she said that she couldn’t take another episode of John Wayne westerns and that is all dad would watch the whole time we were gone. I just smiled.

What Deb didn’t know is I had a conversation with dad about a week before, and he said, “I have watched so much John Wayne, can you find me something else?” He named a few things, and we would pick from that list what we would watch. However, I hatched a sinister plan because I am me and Debbi is Debbi.

No specific reason other than it was funny.

During our conversation a few days before, Dad had said that the only thing Deb “wanted to watch” when she was over was John Wayne. He just couldn’t do it another day. I smiled and said, “Dad! Debbi drives over her to spend quality time with you, and she LOVES John Wayne. It would crush her if you turned it off.” Dad, not wanting to rock the boat, didn’t say anything. He just nodded in affirmation.

After about 5 hours, mom and I came home on this particular day. I looked at Debbi’s face and could see she was about to explode! She pulled me aside and gritted through her teeth, “I CANNOT watch another John Wayne movie. Talk to Dad!” I smiled and said, “Ok!” She didn’t tell me why I should talk to dad; she just said talk to him along with lodging a complaint to me!

I went into the room to talk with Dad, and he looked worn out! I asked him what was wrong. He said, “We have watched John Wayne for 5 straight hours. Will you talk to Deb and see if we can watch something else next time?” I smiled and said, “Ok!”

I came out of the room, and Debbie anxiously was waiting for me. “Did you talk to him?” I shook my head yes and said, “Yeah!” “Well, what did he say?” I just busted out laughing almost hysterically because both of them felt the same way. They are both turned alike in personality, and neither wanted to hurt the other one. Why in the world they put me in the middle is beyond my comprehension. But there I was, making my world a little lighter.

Finally, Debbi knew something was up and accusingly said, “What have you done?”

Me? Did she think I had done something? Well, that is insulting, as well as true!

“I know you did something. I can tell by the way you are laughing!” she hissed at me. I gave her a pass because she was worn out from the day!

I confessed what I had done. Then she busted out laughing and said, “Poor Dad!”

I think they had a conversation about me and after that, neither would tell me what they were watching! Oh well, it was good while it lasted!

WHAT’S ON MY MIND?  GLAD YOU ASKED

How often have we miscommunicated things because we went through other people and it became a huge mess!!!

Like in my story, I could say what I wanted to. I said what I wanted to (just in fun), and neither party was none the wiser until I told them. That is why we have to do it person to person, not through a 3rd party. 

***Of course, there are situations we may have to have an elder of the church or a licensed therapist to help us sort things out, but we need to take care of the problem by walking Biblically through the steps given to us. 

I think that is why Jesus tells us to go straight to the source if we have a problem.

Matthew 18:15

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.  But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

I, personally, have to pray and take care of my heart, so I do not do more damage. Sometimes that means having to wait to have the conversation. Now, that is not a cop-out for me to say, “I am still hurt, so I cannot have that conversation,” and let it go. I have to pray through until my heart is in the hands of Jesus, safe and secure, and then I can have that conversation I need to have. When I do it God’s way, it turns out much better. When I ask, Jesus will guide my timing and my words.

When we take our discussions outside of the people it involves, it is gossip. We all have done it, but that does not make it right. 

I remember an instance when I off-handed said something about a situation (because I thought it was funny because of an inside joke with me and that person). The Holy Spirit checked me on it. I had to apologize to my friend for saying anything, even though it was not from a place of malice or being mean-spirited. The Lord specifically spoke to me about what I had done and, in turn, could have caused my unsuspecting friend to sin by dragging her into gossip. 

I realized, what I thought was a funny statement, could hurt other people. Even though my friend and I joke all the time (that is our relationship, lol), it was not right of me to drag her into something that was not hers to be part of, even though it was said in a joking manner. Sometimes, what we think is a funny statement can be very hurtful and harmful to someone else, intentional or not. 

RULE OF THUMB: If you are not part of the solution or part of the problem, walk away.

Do not try to get people “on your side.” There are no sides. There is only resolution through the Holy Spirit in you. 

 2 Corinthians 12:20

For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.

We all have to gather Godly people around us that will help and pray for a solution. I have a very small circle of people I trust enough to completely open up to. They are my accountability people who I give permission to speak into my life.

I picked people that:

1. Pray
2. Love me and speak truth to me
3. Will tell me what I have done wrong and give Biblical guidance in correcting what I have done.

We tend to want to surround ourselves with people who will feel and think the way we do. But that is not healthy. We need people who love us enough to tell us, “You were wrong, and you need to apologize.” “God is not pleased with what you have done.” “Take responsibility for your part, own your part of the problem.” We all need these people in our lives. I need someone direct and to the point.

James 5:16

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

I say a lot, “You cannot trust everyone, but you have to trust someone.”

Find a GODLY person. A person of faith that lives out truth and has their own accountability people in their lives.

Let’s stop going through other people when the Bible tells us to go ourselves.

Again, there are some exceptions. If it causes harm to you, then pray and ask the Lord for the solution. Sometimes, the only way we can just fix things is between ourselves and the Holy Spirit. With an humble and contrite heart.

As we settle ourselves in for prayer, get alone if you can at all and give these few minutes to the Lord. Listen to this worship song and settle your hearts to pray. Invite the Lord into the room you are in and step into His presence. The Lord is anywhere you ask Him in!

PRAY THIS WITH ME TODAY (in your own words)

Jesus,

I love You. I want my heart to be a place You can live in. I am asking that you get rid of all hurt, unforgiveness, bitterness, hatred, malice, gossip that lives in me. I want You and only You!

I am praying that You uncover anything in my heart that I need to fix.

Any hurt that I have caused, forgive me and reveal it so I can go and fix it with the person that I have hurt. Give me the courage to talk to them in love and ask forgiveness.

Any hurt that others have caused me, Lord, I ask that You take it. Give me the courage to go and talk to them and let them know the hurt they caused. I am asking for a right heart and attitude.

Take away anything that would come out of me that is not like You.

Come and consume me. Burn out any impurities so I can live the life You have for me. I know there are things that I need to fix in my life, Lord, I need You to tell me when to go and what to say. Take me out of the equation and let only YOU shine through.

In Jesus Name

Amen