I often look at myself and think things like, “What were you thinking, Wendy?” “Why did you say that?” “Why did you do that?” “Seriously, Wendy, did you have to do that!”

I think we all have those moments we are second guessing ourselves. We all have had those days when our flaws were predominate. We all have those moments that we said something and then couldn’t take it back.

THEN

I have those moments that you do not want to be beside me in a serious situation! I am not sure what happens. I think, because I do not like sad/bad things, my brain just kicks in gear to make me not sad anymore. I don’t have to be happy, I just don’t want to be sad. Then I do stupid things.

SO MY CHURCH (BRAT) STORY begins:

My grandmother, Mamaw McCarty, was my mom’s mother. She was quite a strange woman to me. She could seem indifferent at times, and then other times, she would ask me to help her cook or do something with her. She loved church and loved having ministers over to her house for fried chicken Sunday dinner. I am not sure how much she enjoyed cooking, but she seemed to love it. I am like her in that regard. I love to cook, have people over, listen to them around the table laughing and talking. I don’t even mind the clean-up as long as everyone had a good time!

I remember growing up and my grandmother, my mom, along with her sisters and one of her brothers, would gather around the piano and sing. One of my earliest memories of her was singing. She loved to have her kids around the piano as my uncle played, she would strum a guitar, and everyone would sing. They sang those old hymns. I especially loved it when they would sing a “Dottie Rambo” song. Songs like Build My Mansion (Next Door to Jesus), Don’t Lift The Anchor, I Go To The Rock and He Ain’t Never Done Me Nothing But Good. Those were the songs that stuck with me the most. 

This is so random, but I also remember making apple butter and canning it. It fascinated me that she just knew when it was done just by looking at it and stirring it. Now that I am an adult, that is how I cook! It just looks and feels right, and it is ready to serve!

My grandmother had kidney failure, and eventually, she was hospitalized. I went to see her in the hospital, and we had some intimate talks. I never knew that side of her growing up. We talked, and I am so thankful for those moments we had before she passed. 

A few days later, there would be the viewing and the funeral. I really didn’t want to go. I wanted to remember her singing, going to church, and cooking for preachers. So I dreaded it.

The day came for the viewing. People were crying, some whispering so they wouldn’t be disrespectful, and others were consoling the family. One of my aunts passed out, and someone else was crying pretty loudly. 

I took a look around the room, and it was sad. People were not happy.

Well, you know what my brain did, it decided to turn this into a happy occasion! So, my mind went to work, making me feel better about a sad situation.

I know to some people this is so disrespectful. That is never my intention. Once I start laughing at “whatever,” It just has to run its course. I cannot stop the laughing once it is started, sooooo…..

As I sat there, watching, listening, feeling the sadness from people, for some strange reason, out of nowhere, these thoughts ripped through my mind, “What if Mamaw just sat up and said, “What are ya’ll doing here?” or “Fooled you didn’t I” or “Why are ya’ll crying!” My mind just got filled with the “what if she said this or that.” So, you can imagine what is getting ready to happen! 

I temporarily forgot where I was because my brain had taken me to another place! The more I thought about it, the funnier it became. The funnier it became, I started losing my breath, holding in the laughter. I looked around and could imagine how each person would react to something like that. Oh, the drama that would ensue!!

I was sitting alone just watching everyone, so I was alone when the scenario hit my funny bone! 

I was laughing so much that tears were streaming down my face. People started looking around, I am sure, to find out where that weird noise was coming from! It was from me trying to hold in my laughter! So, me being me, I just bent over like the other people who were crying. I thought it would camouflage my real reason for the tears! My head was down, so I didn’t see anyone coming toward me. 

Just when I thought it was safe to raise my head, I felt a hand wrap around my shoulders. You know that this caused me to laugh even harder, and I was shaking from trying to hold it in! I heard this person tell another person standing there, “Poor little thing, she is dealing with this grief all alone!” “Go get (she named some people), and we will sit with her until she can pull herself together.” I heard things like “bless her heart,” “she is just crushed!” “How will she ever get through this?” “She is in terrible shape!” OH…MY…GOODNESS! I was about to lose my mind (up in here, up in here!). 

With my head still down, I had to excuse myself and leave the room. I heard someone say, “Poor thing, I cannot imagine what she is going through right now!” She was right. She could have never imagined what I was feeling. When I got up, I headed toward the bathroom to be alone and maybe splash water on my face, and try to think about something else.

Well, as luck would have it, my sister Debbi saw me get up, and she met me right before I reached the bathroom, where was I was going to be alone! Debbi knows me, and she knows I rarely cry. Even though I loved my grandmother, I could deal with the feelings of loss without crying. 

As I was making a beeline to get out of the room, she was making a beeline for me! She knew something was up. When I lifted my head to try to talk to her, she busted out laughing when she saw my face! We were both hysterically laughing. Me, because I had envisioned my grandmother talking and Deb was laughing because, well, I don’t know! It could be because when you see someone laughing, you start laughing. It is like a chain reaction, and then everyone is having a good day! 

Now that I was sharing my laughter with someone else, my brain kicked in to say everything was ok. Wendy, you can quit laughing now! It has been a good day, you got to laugh!

I have to admit, that is not the first funeral I had been to that I had to leave the room. It is awful, I know, but I do not know what to do about it! My brain just does what it does, and I roll with the punches!

The moral of the story is this: If you need someone at a funeral with you, to support you in your grief, you DO NOT want me to go… just sayin’.

WHAT’S ON MY MIND?  GLAD YOU ASKED!

As I relived this situation, it made me start thinking about all the times that our mind, well, has a mind of its own! We let it rule us, and we allow thoughts stay that are not Christ-like. These thoughts were funny. But, what about the ones that are not so funny.

What about the thoughts we have about other people? The lies we weave in our thoughts to ruin someone’s reputation or marriage. The images that play over and over in our minds because we watched things we shouldn’t, been with people, and did things we shouldn’t. We entertain these thoughts because it makes us feel better to get revenge. We intentionally choose friends who will do things we would never do on our own. Sometimes, we seek those people out so we have an excuse to party, drink, get high, gossip, or out and out sin.

Jesus said that the root problem to adultery was lust or we can say a heart problem. The problem is not God, the problem is our hearts are not right with God!

Matthew 5:28
but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

We get to a point where these thoughts become normal for us. The conversations that go in our ears, through our minds and into our hearts. The thoughts that should bring shame no longer feel like a bad thing. The thing we watch, we justify because it makes us feel a certain way. The music we listen to that makes us feel depressed, suicidal, or makes us feel like our life is not enough.

Side Note: I think it is important to remind ourselves the type of music we listen to will get in our spirit. Music is very spiritual, I think. When God created Lucifer, he was not only beautiful, but He filled him with music. Beautiful music! I know that God does not take back the gifts in us. He expects us to use them for His glory. What makes us think that after Lucifer fell (got kicked out of Heaven), he lost his music. He didn’t. He still has that in him, only now, it is used against humanity. Music makes us feel things. Music was created to glorify God, not ourselves or other people, GOD! That is why the angels sing.

That is why there is singing around the throne!

Revelation 5:8-10

⁸ And when he had taken the scroll, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb, each holding a harp, and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints.⁹ And they sang a new song, saying,“Worthy are you to take the scroll and to open its seals,
for you were slain, and by your blood you ransomed people for God
    from every tribe and language and people and nation,
¹⁰ and you have made them a kingdom and priests to our God,
    and they shall reign on the earth.”

Be careful what you listen to, it can change who you are! I, personally, choose to listen to music that brings the Holy Spirit alive in me! When I sing the lyrics, I tell God how good He is or how much I love Him.

The Bible tell us this:

II Corinthians 5:1

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,

I am going to close with these scriptures on our “thought life.” Read them. Study them. Obey them.

Philippians 4:8

Romans 12:2

2 Corinthians 10:5

Romans 8:7 

Let’s get ready to pray!

PRAY THIS WITH ME TODAY (in your own words)

Jesus, I want to thank You that You came and died so I could have life. I do not want to take You willingly dying for me for granted. I do not want to forget what You have done for me.

I want my thoughts to be under subjection to You and Your Word. Your love is so deep – it is more than I could ever comprehend. Lord, I do not have to understand it to accept it. I want to love others as You love me.

I just want to breathe the very air that You are in. Air is all around me, and I do not see it, but I know it is there. There is evidence of it — I am breathing the oxygen and that brings life. Lord, I want to breathe You in, You are life!

I give myself to You. I want my thoughts to be thoughts from You. Help me to bring everything under Your Lordship, because Jesus You are Lord of my life!

I love you, and I know Your love for me is so pure. I want that to flow through me – pure love! Thank you for loving me!

Amen

Disclosure: I talked to my mom (ya know since it was her mother in the story) to make sure it was ok to share. Even though these stories are my life, there could be sensitive things for my family. These are meant to be funny and not hurtful or disrespectful in any way!.